Why I burned down the business I spent 12 years building.

Once upon a time, I dreamt of this life and now, it was suffocating me…

How our Dreams Become our Prisons

Everyone talks about their greatest dreams, how much they want to achieve them, the virtue of chasing them, how fantastic life will be once that dream is realized and they can live happily ever after.

Early childhood programming notwithstanding, this is the general belief of most humans worldwide. But in truth, the human being is a striving animal and we are coded to look up, to look forward, to never be quite satisfied.

It’s in our genetic programming, its part of the evolutionary framework.

We are a part of nature and nature strives to adapt and then evolve. Everything here on earth either evolves or withers and dies a slow, sad death.

So why then, do we so wholeheartedly believe that we will be happy once we reach that finish line? Why do we think that the choices and decisions we made with the level of consciousness, knowledge and understanding we had in our 20s will carry us in the same vein until we are in our 30s or 40s or 60s or beyond. Spoiler alert: they won’t.

As you evolve and grow, learn new things, meet new people and are exposed to new information, advancements, environments and possibilities, you recognize just how much there is to know, to understand, to live and experience.

This is the process of life itself!

And if our biggest dreams are a moving target, if we risk becoming unhappy after reaching them, after building the life we desire… well what then. What’s the point of any of this? What is the North Star?

And, more than than, how do we navigate towards our grand dreams in this ever changing world? A world that now not only includes our lived experience but also the lived experiences, imaginings and potentialities of those we see on social media as well as the pandoras box opened up by all information available to us at all times via the internet and ai!?

There is an answer, and it’s deceptively simple. (revealed at the end of this piece ;)

When Success Feels Like Failure

Remember when I mention having the life I dreamt of but feeling suffocated by it? I literally woke up unhappy every single morning thinking “ugh, another day.” Now what you need to understand is I wasn’t living a cookie cutter life where I was going to a corporate job, living in a boring town - the usual things people complain about. I was living what I believed to be my ultimate purpose, surrounded by a community of people I chose, in a city I dreamed of living in, I very carefully curated this chapter of my life after leaving a another version, another lifetime that felt like I was living someone else's dream (and that time I definitely was)

I had absolutely no right to complain. And this is why I felt so guilty and so wrong for feeling the way I felt.

Because, 12 years prior, I was dreaming of exactly this.

If I went back in time and described the life we had created for ourselves, her and I, my past self would have been thrilled. If I described that I had helped thousands of people over the years to awaken to their truest selves, help heal trauma and liberate not only my clients but hundreds of thousands or even millions of people who had seen my transmissions on social media, she’d be in absolute awe.

Back then, I had wished for the community I had built, the business and impact I was able to have over the years, the levels of love, awakening, exploration and adventure I had been able to experience.

It was all incredible.

It was all I've ever wanted.

It was all suffocating me slowly.

I rationalized that I had absolutely no right to feel the way I did. Thinking about it now, I can’t believe I said that to myself but alas, we all lose ourselves periodically - and once we find ourselves, we understand the need for this initial loss.

Building My Spiritual Empire

The life I had built was perfect for the girl who dreamt of freedom and liberation, of making a difference and of actually working as a healer.

I used to watch the way my mentor worked, the way she completely changed the entire trajectory of my life when we started working together and I desperately wished I could do that for someone else someday too.

Back then, I dreamt of creating and teaching and speaking and healing and it all felt like a dream, not like reality.

And here I was not only living that dream but in a way I couldn't have even imagined - the people I had gotten to work with, the change and transformation I was able to facilitate, the lives touched, the hearts healed.

It was incredible. And, at the same time, it was all feeling a bit off.

I started working with clients as a healer and spiritual coach and teacher way back in 2010 or so. My work and client base grew and I created a spiritual business.

I immersed myself into it and saw it is my divine purpose.

I always had a bit of an issue with the monetization part of it and even periodically did “pay what you can” one on one sessions in the early days meeting with many people per day, many of them for free or nearly free in conference rooms that I still had to pay for.

Through out the years my gifts and talents grew, I came to embrace them and myself - I grew my spiritual practice, went through many ego deaths and resurrections. I built a real platform and a solid business.

And yet, something kept gnawing at me. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t really close to what I came to this planet to do.

The Whisper That Became a Roar

I knew I was “playing small” a phrase I hated because it sounded so cliche and so contrived to cause someone to feel a certain way.

I knew I was meant to help millions, hundreds of millions.

I know I am meant to reach billions of people with the message of awakening, of spiritual liberation, remembering your divine truth and deep heart healing.

And I knew that doing things the way I was doing them was not going to get that done. I felt deep within that there was way more to all of this and that all of my deepest desires and callings and passions refused to stay silent for a reason. I couldn't keep telling myself “no, I can’t, I have to focus on my work to the world, my purpose is all that matters” because it started to feel like a lie.

You see, I, the person who taught workshops on True Purpose, had minimized my own. I had forgotten or ignored one of my key tenants that I’ve repeated countless times: “Your purpose is not what you do, it’s who you are.”

Slowly but surely, I began to dismantle the walls between me and the reality I was facing.

Some things were very apparent. For instance, I didn't want to have a paywall between me and the spiritual/healing work and the people who are meant to access the work in its purest form. At the same time, I’m living in America in 2025 and I know the type of life I desire and deserve and more importantly am able to create for myself.

I believe that being able to live as a human on earth is a rare gift and I don’t want to take this opportunity for granted.

I want to see as much of this planet as I possibly can, to experience people, cultures, foods, adventures.

I want to live a lovely and beautiful life.

I also understand the role money, wealth, abundance plays in this world and I know it’s a beautiful interplay of energies.

There’s also the fact that changing the dynamics of money/power/wealth abundance is a part of my mission too. I’ve always felt like I must help flip the script before I go, to help facilitate the exchange of wealth into the hands of those who are here to change the world for the better.

Getting Off the Wrong Train

I realized that the whispers of the type of life I desired, the things I yearned to do in the business world, in social media, in the arts and entertainment and technology and travel were all somehow a part of my overarching purpose and mission.

So, I chose to trust the vision before I saw the vision.

I accepted that I would not be able to get to that destination via the current path I was on.

This train was going southeast and I needed to go northwest.

So I got off the train.

Burning It All Down

This meant closing out my one on one client relationships and closing down my monthly memberships where I did monthly healing sessions and channeled mystical guidance for participants.

This also meant pulling all of the courses I had released thus far.

It meant stopping creating as @shethemystic on tiktok and instagram and going on an extended shadow work journey - at a level I hadn't ever experienced- and I've gone on some mega intense shadow realm and shadow work journeys!

This also meant the rapid stop of income - all the things I described, the one on one clients, the courses, memberships and content creation all were a part of my spiritual business and it was the only income I relied on for years.

Because all of my focus over the past decade had gone to my spiritual self and the mission and purpose I was on, I hadn’t invested anything anywhere else. It was certainly one way to live, an interesting way to live, a beautiful moment in time and it served its purpose.

But, the end had come.

So, I packed up all of my things and put them into storage.

I gave up the beautiful apartment that I loved which had a whole separate loft on the second floor with high vaulted ceilings and a separate space for me to write, channel, film, create in.

I said goodbye to the city I’ve always loved, dreamed of living in as a child and called home for nearly 15 years.

I wasn't quite sure how I'd support myself during this transitionary time while I was uncovering the next level of my work, my being, my self and my destiny. But, I knew I was building the foundation for the level of wealth that would allow me to bring healing, awakening, spiritual growth and reality shifting codes to millions of people without a financial barrier.

I knew it was all inevitable, as long as I trusted the process. That part’s hard, especially when you have zero evidence. I did have few pans in the fire, a few hunches and strings I was following, one of which ended up being the thing that sustained me through the past several years.

That’s the other thing - I though this journey would take a year max, we are now in year 3 and I am finally launching all of the facets of this new venture.

I can go into the process, the journey, what I did and how I did it and the in-depth inner, outer transformations that happened in another letter if anyone is interested but suffice it to say, every part of me, the old me has burned away.

The things that held me back for decades, the gnarliest dragons of my personal methodology, the ones that formed during our earliest childhood experiences, have finally been slayed.

What stood in the way, the fear, the doubt, the paralysis has been transformed.

Into the Unknown

I spent a year understanding who I was and wasn't, what I wanted and didn't want and what held me back from my greatest destiny, my fullest potential, my ultimate purpose.

I simmered in the realms of the shadow and allowed it to swallow me whole - no more closed eyes, no more pretending I can’t see or feel the wounds. Clarity. Honesty.

I traveled to distant lands that held ancient secrets and to closer places that housed my extended family and secrets that were a part of my own personal lore.

I reconnected with all of it and it set me free.

Once I was in the place of deep clarity, I set out to understand what my soul, my higher self, the aspects of me that exist on vast planes of existence were asking of me - why did I incarnate here, during this place in time and what was I here to do?

Remembering My True North

I already knew the answer, I had known it since childhood of course and have heard whispers and sometimes roars and shouts of it all my life.

I thought that the spiritual business I was building was me living that purpose, enacting that mission. Turns out no, that was a tiny part of it, a small step in the direction of a much grander unfolding. A calling so big, I had spent most of my life running from it, hiding behind slivers and flavors of it and calling that my purpose.

And that’s why the journey that preceded this one, the journey of travel and exploration of the world, the self and family was so neccesary. I needed to understand why I had been running so that I could finally stop.

I needed to decide once and for all if I’d accept my charge.

Becasue, of course, I didn't have to.

But I’ve always, always wanted to. I just couldn't.

Until I could.

Until I did.

And here we are today, in this moment where I am finally sharing this with you. This letter you’re reading is part of the plan, part of the platform and the architecture I’ve been working on.

I’ve spent the past year building all of the foundations for the years to come. I’ve tried to translate the metaphysical, the ethereal and the mystical into “real world” and tangible applications. It’s been a wild ride.

Building the New Reality

How do you take a cosmic imagining and make it not only fit into but also be useful for the current physical reality?

How does one go about balancing the spiritual and the ethereal with the economic, the technological, the physical, the financial…

How do you help dismantle, in near silence and stealthily, the structures and systems of oppression while simultaneously creating the space, the containers for the new world, the new potential love-and-liberation based reality?

How do these concepts become code and how do I learn the language of the code and teach it to others?

That’s what I’ve been working on, unraveling, learning and then doing. I’ll share it all here with you, if you’d like, if you choose to continue on this journey with me.

I can’t believe I’m finally here, in this moment right now, hitting publish. It feels monumental.

Dancing to Music Others Can't Hear

To be honest, it took a lot of energy and willpower to keep going, especially in the face of everyone around me in the physical realm not understanding what I was doing or why. I can imagine how it looked and sounded and still seems to those looking in.

It’s like that famous Friedrich Nietzsche quote:

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”

Well, I suppose if you’re going to proclaim to take on changing not only the world but the very fabric of reality, you better be ok with looking, sounding and seeming insane to those who cannot hear the music.

I’m ok with it.

And so here it is, you just read my official proclamation.

I’ve taken on the cosmic mission of altering the fabric of reality, knowing I am but a puzzle piece in the grand unfolding and yet the picture isn't complete without each piece…

And So it Begins…

Welcome to the next chapter, I’m excited for what’s to come. It’s going to be quite the journey and I am so grateful that I’m no longer traveling it alone, I’ve got you by my side.

After all of that, I just thought of another quote by a more modern philosopher that perhaps would be an appropriate way to close of this letter to you.

“I am fucking crazy, but I am free” - Lana Del Rey in Ride

Love,

Delfina

P.S. don’t be afraid of seeming insane to those who do not or cannot hear the music, it is the worthy cost of admission on the journey to becoming free. - Delfina Alden ;)